Reflections
Posted on Wed Apr 23rd, 2025 @ 9:16pm by Captain Malcom Llwyedd & Lieutenant Commander Rhiana t'Aegis & Ensign Emilynn Dove
2,460 words; about a 12 minute read
Mission:
Shore Leave 1
Location: Firebird: Six Forward
[ON]
Burdened by the weight of the past few weeks, Ensign Emilynn Dove sat alone on her bed, cloaked in the suffocating darkness of her quarters. The shadows mirrored the turmoil within her, a chaos that deepened with each passing moment. Ever since the harrowing Jem'Hadar attack, she had felt increasingly isolated, retreating into the depths of her mind with an intensity she had never experienced before. Anger simmered just below the surface, bubbling like a dormant volcano on the brink of eruption. She grappled with her feelings of rage—was it directed at herself for her perceived failures, at her father for his overwhelming expectations, at her brother for disappearing on her, or was it simply aimed at the cold, merciless Jem'Hadar? Days melted into one another, yet her heavy despair refused to budge. Embarrassment gnawed at her like a ravenous beast, especially regarding her inadequate performance in front of Lieutenant Woodhouse, a figure she respected.
Irritation bubbled inside her as she finally spoke, "Computer, lights." The dim lights flicked on, illuminating her sparse quarters. She quickly donned a uniform and headed to the turbolift, “Deck 6,” she snapped before the familiar chime sounded.
The doors slid open, Emilynn entered Six Forward. She glanced around at the crew members enjoying themselves, feeling like an outsider to their joy. “Whiskey, neat,” she said quietly to the bartender. She prayed the smooth, warm liquor would provide some solace. After receiving her drink, she made her way to the farthest corner of the lounge, seeking solitude to reflect. She settled into a plush seat and gazed out toward the expansive view of stars.
She took a healthy sip, the strong liquid coursed down her throat, a brief reminder of comfort. Yet, as she stared into the infinite void of space, her thoughts spiraled into darker territories. How could she remain in Starfleet with the overwhelming fear that had taken root within her during the attack? Her hesitations that day could have dire consequences, not just for her but for others who relied on her competence.
The question kept nagging at her: “What had possessed her to join Starfleet?” Throughout her life, she had always felt a powerful urge to enlist, to venture into space, and to explore. This constant pull had driven her towards this journey, and this ship, yet now, the reason for it consumed her thoughts. Her childhood aspirations felt foolish as she confronted the crushing realization that she might not measure up.
With a heavy heart, Emilynn raised the glass to her lips once more, savoring the rich flavors as they danced on her tongue. She closed her eyes, taking a deep, steadying breath, yearning for answers that seemed perpetually just out of reach. Suddenly, the sound of a familiar voice broke through her reverie, pulling her from her thoughts. She opened her eyes to find herself staring up at none other than Lieutenant Commander Rhiana t'Aegis, the formidable Chief Tactical Officer.
‘You’ve got to be kidding me?’ Emilynn thought, a wave of frustration crashing over her. ‘Of all the people who could have walked in here right now, it has to be her?’ The very presence of this indomitable woman, known for her unyielding nature in the face of fear and adversity, felt like a mockery of Emilynn’s struggles. She couldn’t fathom when this internal torment would end, but as she shook her head in disbelief, she took another long, desperate swallow of her drink, seeking solace in the warmth, even as her heart sank further into uncertainty.
Rhiana was not someone who frequented Six Forward often. She usually saw no reason to. The tea she had in her quarters was better than what the replicator here could produce, and she was not someone to engage in idle small talk. But for some reason, she had found herself drawn to this place tonight.
As usual, she had been keeping to herself, seated in a solitary placed armchair that was facing the ever fascinating sight of the stars out there, while sipping a cup of the replicated tea. Nevertheless, after a while, she had noticed the presence of the young operations officer not too far away from her. Uncharacteristically - at least from how Rhiana assumed these young Starfleet officers behaved - Emilynn remained alone. And she was drinking. When the young woman closed her eyes, Rhiana waited for just a moment before rising from her own seat and crossing over to Emilynn's corner with her cup of tea in her hand.
"May I join you?" she repeated since the operations officer failed to reply to her first inquiry and seemed rather shocked instead.
Emilynn glanced up at the Commander again; her fists clenched around her glass tightly as she fought to contain the surging tide of fury that threatened to erupt within her. The air was tense, and the urge to unleash her frustrations was almost overwhelming. She longed to explode in a torrent of words, but then she had no idea what she would even say. It certainly wasn’t the Commander's fault she lacked the necessary skills to meet the demands of her Starfleet career.
With a strained breath, she gestured toward the chair beside her. “The seat is not taken. Of course, you may have it.” The words hung in the air, laced with subtle hostility.
If Rhiana sensed the hostility and tension, she did not show it. Instead, she inclined her head slightly in a gesture of thanks, placed her cup on the small table between the two chairs, and sat down. Even in this overstuffed chair made for comfort, the Romulan did not allow her body to embrace that but kept her back perfectly upright. Her elbows were resting on the armrests, and her hands loosely clasped in her lap while she looked at the Ensign with a neutral expression. No judgment, no sneer, no smile that could be interpreted in the wrong way by the angry young woman.
"I find that substances do not help," Rhiana offered after several long moments of silence in a carefully casual and quiet tone. Once again, no judgment, no reproach. Merely stating a perceived fact. "Physical exhaustion does, to some degree. It helps clear one's head to make place for reason once more."
Emilynn cast a sidelong glance at the Romulan beside her, her gaze flickering with unspoken words and hidden emotions. Despite her best efforts to mask the whirlwind of turmoil swirling within her, it was evidently betraying her silent facade. She lifted her glass before her face and swirled the liquid before downing the contents in one swift gulp, defiantly. With a sigh, she let her eyes fall to her lap, where the remnants of her internal struggle lay heavy, and set the empty glass down on the small table beside her.
Minutes passed in silence, each second a reminder of the turmoil Emilynn was trying to process. Although she hadn’t sought the Romulan’s counsel, its weight lingered, a reminder of her neglected routines. Her usual workouts had been absent for a week, replaced by self-imposed isolation in her dimly lit quarters.
“What, is that how Romulans navigate life without emotion? Through sheer exhaustion?” A huff escaped her, laced with sarcasm. The question slipped out before she could stop it, her voice edged with a rawness that revealed the vulnerability she struggled to hide.
Rhiana had just been raising her cup to take a sip of tea. The outburst stopped the progression of the cup for a second, but when it was obvious that it was over, Rhiana deliberately took that sip and returned the cup to its saucer before she answered. Her tone was matter-of-fact, but the softer undertone took the potentially perceived edge off it. "Traditionally, Romulans embrace their emotions. It is Vulcans who deny themselves that experience by meditating. Personally, I prefer to control my emotions rather than let them control me."
Emilynn sat in silence, reflecting on the statement. There was an undeniable poise in the way the Romulan navigated the turbulent waters of emotion — far superior to anyone else she had encountered, including her mother, who had never broached the topic. But perhaps that was only because it had never been in issue until now. Only recently had she started noticing her inability to control her own thoughts. And then, only after the Jem’Hadar attack had the problem escalated further and really taken root.
“A healthy goal,” Emilynn whispered almost inaudibly, testing the words for solace. She felt a slight easing of tension in her shoulders. The Romulan’s perspective wasn’t entirely misplaced; maybe a good workout and a release of feel-good hormones could improve her mood. Yet, the whiskey swirling in her stomach protested, reminding her of her indulgence. Oddly, she felt thankful that her schedule didn’t include an early morning shift.
Several more minutes passed in silence before Emilynn shifted in her chair, turning to face the Romulan directly. “How do you do it? How do you face life-threatening danger without fear?” Her question hung in the air between them, revealing a vulnerability she never expected to share with any superior, especially this one. Yet at this crossroads, with her future in Starfleet feeling uncertain to her, she hoped this inquiry could provide her with the clarity she so desperately sought.
Rhiana did not reply immediately but pondered the question for a few moments. Or rather, how much to tell the girl. The Romulan took another sip of the cooling tea, placed the cup once more on its saucer, and met Emilynn's bright green eyes.
"My upbringing was very different from yours," she began. "We - Romulans - are trained from a very young age to fill positions in the Romulan Navy. We are taught to expect death and to embrace it if it furthers the cause of the Empire. We are soldiers. Starfleet officers are explorers." She raised her hand to prevent Emilynn from interrupting her. "This may not be entirely true anymore, but the vast majority of cadets and recruits still join Starfleet to explore the stars."
She flashed a brief smile that was completely devoid of humour and joy.
"You are finding yourself aboard a ship where every single person is a potential friend. I have served aboard a ship where every single person was a potential enemy. My ship's political officer told me more than once that he would not hesitate to execute me if I strayed in my loyalty. And he was a friend."
Another flash of a smile, this one betraying just a hint of sorrow.
"It also helps if you have absolutely nothing to lose by dying."
Emilynn was momentarily stunned by the weight of the words spoken; they swirled in her mind like the remnants of whiskey that once filled her glass. She picked up the crystal vessel, its etchings catching the lamp's glow and casting reflections on the table. Her eyes traced the empty cavity as she turned it in her hand, and she thought how it must mirror how the woman next to her felt.
“Yes, I suppose it does.” She replied, not knowing how else to respond to the profound statement.
As she rotated the glass, her gaze returned to the Romulan. What had once seemed like an impenetrable fortress of strength now revealed a subtle vulnerability beneath the surface. She thought she now saw a hint of sorrow in the woman's eyes, stirring within Emilynn a flicker of empathy for her. She imagined the heavy burden she must carry, grappling with the realization of having nothing to lose.
Emilynn sighed, her shoulders heavy with unspoken thoughts. The unexpected conversation hadn’t brought her closer to the answers she sought, however, it did reveal a glimmer of clarity: she was not alone in her struggles, each person carried their own unique burdens, hidden beneath the surface of everyday interactions.
“Thank you for your guidance, Commander,” Emilynn said, managing a weak smile that couldn’t hide the uncertainty she still felt. "I should probably turn in now.”
Rhiana nodded her agreement with that statement. "Speak with Lieutenant Carew tomorrow. She should be able to help you," she suggested. "If, in addition to that, you do feel the need for physical exercise, you are welcome to join Chief Warrant Officer B'Rala's daily training for the security staff. If you need a more personalised approach, come and see me."
The Romulan offered the young Ensign a genuine little smile. "Speak with the others aboard. I was not exaggerating when I said that everyone aboard is a potential friend. Ask them about their experiences. Ensign Djokovic may have quite a few to share."
“Alright, maybe I will,” Emilynn replied, nodding slightly. Her expression showed hesitation, caught between curiosity and uncertainty about the plan.
The smile faded again, but Rhiana's demeanor remained friendly. "What you are going through now is something many members of Starfleet have gone through before you. You join to explore the stars, but do not expect to ever be in real danger. Such assignments do exist, and you can request to transfer to such a posting. There is absolutely no shame in it. But if you choose to remain aboard the Firebird, you will be facing life-threatening danger often. It is up to you to decide whether you will be able to continue doing your duty despite the fear."
“Understood, thank you.” Her voice was soft but filled with thought. Emilynn absorbed the words offered, realizing that she would need to make significant changes to truly find her place on Firebird.
Emilynn paused in the entryway of her cabin, studying her reflection. A feeling of unease washed over her; she sensed that the image staring back was not entirely her own.
Driven by an instinct she could neither explain nor resist, she extended her hand, hovering just inches from the smooth surface of the glass. As her fingertips made contact, a vivid image of a mysterious planet filled her mind.
Then, as quickly as it had appeared, it vanished, leaving her to wonder whether it had been a figment of her imagination fueled by the whiskey she had consumed.
“Computer, are there any anomalies in this room?” she asked slowly with a hint of trepidation.
“No anomalies detected,” the computer declared, its beep echoing the statement. Emilynn continued to gaze into the mirror, however, the earlier unease was gone.
[OFF]
Ensign Emilynn Dove
Operations Officer
USS Firebird NCC-88298
Lieutenant Commander Rhiana t'Aegis
Second Officer / Chief Security/Tactical Officer
USS Firebird NCC-88298
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